She would have been 54, today…


She would be 54 today and I often wonder if she would have changed like does getting older always change you? I know it’s changed me, I’ve changed more in the past 6 months than I think I ever have in my 30 years on this earth. It’s weird, most days I hate her, or I don’t even think of her unless I see something that reminds me of back then, but on days like today, I miss her. I don’t have Stockholm Syndrome and I’m not completely nuts, I am a daughter.  My mother wasn’t the mother she should have been or possibly even the mother she was supposed to be, but she was my mother.

I’m sometimes asked “But why do you care? She hurt you, why are you upset over her, she’s dead?” Other people think I’m seeking attention, I’m not, I honestly can’t think of anything worse than being the centre of attention. Of course I care she is gone, of course, I’m upset, I’m upset because she hurt me, I’m upset because she was my mother and I loved her, I’m upset that I never got the chance to ask her “why?” or “what happened in your family or your life to make you so fucked in the head?” I’ll never get that chance…

She seems to be invading my dreams a lot more recently, so I know she is on my mind, more. Things are going how I want them to in my life and I suppose I wish she was here as a proper mother to give advice. I don’t know why I dream up she would be like that, as the woman I knew always seemed to have an alterative motive when advice was given or she would have a secret agenda. No wonder I’m so suspicious of everything and everyone.

 I’ve stopped the posts on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram wishing her a Happy Birthday and telling her she is loved and missed, I don’t feel I need to write that on there to remind people. I don’t want to remind myself, either. I used to take the day off work, but I didn’t today. I wish I had, but I didn’t. I can’t even leave early as it’s not that type of job. Maybe next year, maybe next year…

 I seem to only post when it’s an occasion, I hope to change that. I can’t tell you guys how to move on from the loss of your mother, as I don’t know. I cried because I had to, not because I felt like it or because I wanted to. I did it so I looked “normal”, but what even is normal? I’m not a crier, I was never a crier and I never wanted to be a crier.  I have shed tears over her, though. When I thought back to the beatings, to the drunken stupors and to the old memories that haunt me deep inside my mind. I can’t let her go, cos’ she’s my mum, she birthed me, she when sober supported me and she raised me to whatever I am today.

I never speak of them, I can never get the words out, I’ve managed a few memories, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to say it all out loud. I’m not even sure what the purpose of me posting this was…I think just to try and keep my mind active. I’m shockingly tired today and I still have 3 1/2 hours of work to go.

I’m feeling very lost about everything at the moment, I have been doing so well, but now I just feel lost. I can’t make decisions, I can’t be pragmatic about things, I can’t even muster up the energy to make my own dinner. I just keep thinking that if she hadn’t birthed me, if I had been born differently, would it be better? I don’t regret much in my life as I believe in learning from mistakes, but I do wonder if she hadn’t had her own demons what would life be like for us? Would it be different?

We’ll never know and I’ll have to just continue down the path I am on…

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